continuing education.

One thing I love about our Christian journey is that it's an endless education.  For someone such as myself, who loves learning and who would love to be a professional student for the rest of my life, this is good news.  I continue to be amazed at how much I still have to learn, and how graciously God continues to instruct me.  Here's a bit of what He's been showing me lately...

I started a study at church through a ministry called Celebrate Recovery (CR).  I've been doing it for about a month now, and I'm already amazed by how much I'm learning about myself and God.  I started this study mainly because I felt like I was at this place of desperation, struggling with a lot of anxiety, insomnia, and a compulsive desire to gain people's affirmation.  I knew I needed to connect more with God and with other believers face to face, and so this step study seemed to provide the structure that might enable me to do that.  It's modeled after the 12 steps of recovery, but centered around scripture and the gospel as well.

This past week's chapter was on the topic of SANITY.  I think it was Albert Einstein who first said that the definition of INSANITY is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result each time.

Guilty as charged.

Chris calls this behavior "backing myself into a corner," meaning that I often times will know I need to make a change in my life, but will then come up with a long list of reasons why I can't make that change, leaving myself backed into a corner with nowhere to go, lingering helplessly in the same situation.  It's the ultimate self-sabotage, and yet I've been known to do it all the time.

They say that the first step of change is admitting you have a problem, and I know that recognizing my strong tendency to do this has opened up a new reality for me...and hope for more SANITY and PEACE in my mind.

One of the questions we looked at this past week was "what things have you been doing over and over again, expecting a different result each time?"

YIKES.  I really have to write that down?

Well, a few things that I was able to name were...

1. My tendency to seek in others what only God can give me...a sense of self worth, approval, and identity.  I can tend to seek this from others, and come up empty and frustrated EVERY TIME, so why do I keep going there for life?  I can point to places in my story where I've learned this way of coping, but I'm ready for this to change.

2. I also like to deny the fact that I want more in my relationships with God and others by isolating and convincing myself that I can do life on my own.  That NEVER works out well.

3. And last, but certainly not least, I'm realizing how much of a perfectionist I am...and how perfectionism is none other than an extreme attempt to control my world but upholding an image that is impossible to maintain and incompatible with reality. It sets an unattainable expectation on myself and on others and zaps the life out of me.  And yet I continue to think that if I just try harder, strive harder, work harder, do more, know more, please enough people, be good enough, and check all the boxes, then I can control my world and control my relationships with others.  I can even control being disappointed by people.

The thing about having to write this out (we have to write down our answers for CR and can only share in group what we've written) is that once it's on paper, I can't deny it anymore.  The truth is there in front of me in black and white.  Once it's all written down and I have to hear myself read it out loud, I can suddenly see how ludicrous my coping mechanisms are, how lousy they work, how exhausted, anxious, depressed, and sleepless they make me, and how out of control I am.

I feel like God is bringing me to a place where I am staring face to face with my Great Need For HIM.  It's uncomfortable to admit that I need Him on an hourly basis, moment to moment, not just in the big things like our adoption process, but also in the very mundane daily things, like my insane thought life.  It's hard to depend on a source of life other than myself and to feel deep in my gut the reality that I can't do life without Him.  It doesn't provide a calming sense of security to a control freak like me...at least, not at first. But the cool thing is that I am learning to surrender and rest more in Him, and I'm realizing how much more at peace I am when I do this. Ironically, the more I rest in God, the more He shows me how restless I've been.

Another thing I love about the way God instructs us is the way He teaches us through convergences.  I woke up early this morning, unable to sleep, and I felt compelled to pick up a book I've been reading with a friend--Brave Hearts by Sharon Hersh.  I flipped back through some pages I'd already read, and it was like God was confirming EVERYTHING He was already showing me this past week through the questions I was answering.  This part really hit home...

"Controlling behavior is often founded on a desperation for approval--from others and from God.  We long for unconditional love, but our perfectionism keeps us from believing it when it's offered and keeps us working to obtain approval and acceptance on our own merits.  The foundation of legalism is a focus on ourselves, which results in lonely, unending striving, aloofness from others, and independence from God."

"Our imperfections also highlight our need for God, for Someone to finally come along and put an end to our constant striving.  Shattering the foundation of perfectionism allows us to feel less alone, to depend on others, and ultimately depend on God.  We make room for God as we acknowledge our imperfections.  Our imperfections as well as the shortcomings of others bring us face to face with the reality that no matter how hard we try, we are not the ones in control.  And this realization brings us closer to the God who is."

I was also talking with my friend Molly on the phone last week and we were discussing how much all women struggle with perfectionism...how much we fight against maintaining some image of how we should look, act, how our family should be, how our children should look and act, how our homes should look, what size clothes we wear, what we have or don't have, etc etc etc.  It's all so darn exhausting and keeps us from admitting our imperfections and flaws...it keeps us from letting God cover over those imperfections and frailties...and it keeps us from connecting with one another.

I just wanted to share what I feel like God has been teaching me about rest and hope IN HIM, and not in any circumstances that I can provide for myself, and how much more peace I'm starting to experience in my heart as I allow Him to take back the control of my life that's already His.  It's a daily struggle to surrender this stuff to God, but it's been really good to feel like I'm connecting with Him, and I guess I hope that my sharing this is will somehow encourage you today.  The good news is that Little Miss Perfect continues to die a slow death!

Show me Your ways, O Lord;

Teach me Your paths.

Lead me in Your truth and teach me,

For You are the God of my salvation;

On You I wait all the day.

--Psalm 25:4-6