serenity.

Can you hear the crickets?

I know it's been quiet around here lately.

I know I've fallen off the face of the earth. I know I have not returned a lot of emails and that I've generally been an unsatisfactory friend over the past couple months. Please accept my apology and know that I hope to start resurfacing at some point in the near future.

What I will say for now is that I've needed a lot of solitude and space to start working through some personal stuff...that I've needed to retreat to the "wilderness" in order to get on the mat with God and start really working through these things.

About two months ago I attended a womens' conference at our church. Our speaker talked about the story of the woman in the gospels who had been bleeding for years on end (can you imagine being on the rag for 12 years!?!) and no one could help her. She had seen every doctor around and NO ONE could heal her. Jesus was her last resort. So, she went to find him.

When she found Him, Jesus was on his way to help a twelve year old girl and the multitudes were following Him. This woman cut through the crowds, thinking, if I could just touch his garment, I will be healed. We can imagine this woman weaving through the multitudes of people, trying to get closer, stepping on feet, elbowing people, trying to create enough space to get to Christ. She finally reached Him and touched his robe and was immediately healed.

Christ felt it too.

He felt the power go out of His body and He said "Who touched me?" (Luke 8:45) Then he said it again. Even though Jesus was in a crowd and was being poked and prodded by the multitudes, something about this woman's touch was different and Jesus felt it. He said, "Somebody touched Me, for I perceived the power going out from Me." (v46)

The woman was trembling and fell down before Him and told Him why she touched Him and how she was healed. And Jesus said,

"Daughter, be of good cheer, your faith has made you well.  Go in peace."

This woman believed in Christ and she was willing to put her life on the line for this belief. She was willing to look like a fool for this belief, and she knew she needed to create enough space in the crowd in order to be able to reach Him and touch Him.

As our speaker shared this story with us she asked us what spaces we are creating in our lives in order to experience Christ. Because in order to experience Him, other things usually need to go.

So, I suppose I share this story because, 1) I have needed to create more space in my life in order to allow God to be what I need Him to be for me, and 2) I want for Christ to feel MY touch.

He's revealing to me how much I've longed for other fallible human beings to fill my longings and provide my healing. And while He most certainly provides an uplifting and encouraging body of Christ, skilled physicians, experienced counselors, and loving family to help us along life's journey, these people alone still aren't enough. Their approval, affirmation, advice, understanding, expertise, encouragement, opinions, love, and wisdom aren't enough. They can't make right what's been wronged in my life, they can't save me, and they can't hand me my identity on a silver platter.

God is asking me to look down the long, dark alley of my own neediness and to find Him at the end.  He's asking me to trust that He'll start putting some street lights all along that alley, shining light and life where a lot of confusion, fear, and darkness has been.

He's asking me to ESTEEM HIM ABOVE ALL ELSE. To love Him more than I love anything in this life. He's asking me to face reality, to grieve, to grow up, and to allow Him to parent me, love me, and provide for my needs in ways I've never believed He could. He's also teaching me how to love and parent myself, to listen to my wants and needs, and to shelf the self-loathing that's felt familiar and comfortable for years and years.

The process has been slow and painful--recovery and change comes slowly--but I am starting to see progress, and I am starting to experience peace and serenity in some places.

It has been really hard waiting for Ren, but I feel like this waiting time has been a merciful gift from God, allowing me time to get my head and heart in a good place. God is showing me that the more I surrender my life to Him and the more I take good care of myself, the more equipped I will be to take good care of my children, including Ren, and all of those I love. I will love them because God loves me and I love myself, not because I want or need them to give me something or fill up the empty reservoir of my soul.

Love thy neighbor as thyself.  That means I need to love "thyself."

Anyhow, this is where I'm at. This is where I've been. This is why I have not been very present in every-day life. A massive renovation or priorities has been taking place in the home of my psyche and spirit, and the demolition has left me void of much to give.

I'm gonna end with a prayer that has ministered to my heart over the past month. You will probably recognize the first four lines--it is very well-known--but the rest of this prayer has really spoken to me when I'm anxiously and desperately clamoring to regain control of various aspects of life. For me, this prayer is steeped in reality and invites me to ACCEPT REALITY, to live in the MOMENT, and to continually SURRENDER my life to God...

Prayer for Serenity


God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardship as a pathway to peace;
taking, as Jesus did,
this sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it;
trusting that You will make all things right
if I surrender to Your will;
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.


--Reinhold Niebuhr

I hope you all are well.  Thanks, as always, for your love, prayers, and support.