feeling it.

This post is probably going to be long, but it’s important too, so I hope you bear with me.  I feel full of so many thoughts and emotions and I’m not really sure where or how to start.

This afternoon Chris and I go to Sacramento to get our final set of fingerprints taken for US Immigration--the last hurdle before our dossier is complete.  As this paper chase winds down, I’m becoming more anxious and less patient to find out who our boy is.  Realistically, there could be many more months of waiting until we know.  Because of our agency’s restrictions, our boy must be nine months younger than Lucy, but right now there aren’t any boys available for adoption that young.  It’s hard waiting for a referral when I know there are thousands of older boys already available and waiting. I have to remind myself that God knows what He’s doing.

On Wednesday morning I got an email from my friend Becky, who has a friend of a friend who lives in China and fosters a little boy named JB.  JB was living in an orphanage before he was moved into foster care. At five months, he weighed only seven pounds. The volunteer pediatrician who advocated to get him placed with a foster family knew that if he didn’t start receiving better care, he would not make it. Since being in the care of a loving and attentive foster family, he has gained weight and received surgery to help with his vision.  He has recently been approved by the Chinese government for adoption, but if no one takes advantage of the opportunity, he may not be adoptable in the future. JB turned two years old in March. He has glaucoma, cataracts, and hydrocephaly.

As I read through the email, I prayed and asked God to show us if this was our son. I forwarded the email on to our case manager at our agency and asked her if JB might fit with any of the families in the program right now. I pray this boy can find a family.  There are so many kids--especially the ones with more severe needs--who are only adoptable for a short window of time.  I’m still trying understand how it works, but it seems that the Chinese government typically won’t deem these children appropriate for adoption (they question how any one would want them).

My heart is heavy for this little guy, along with so many others who have severe needs and no family.  And I also feel burdened as I ponder how severe a need our own family could realistically take on. Chris and I prayed and labored over our special needs form as we filled out what kind of needs we felt we were open to, but each time I read about a different child who needs a home, I second-guess our decision. And again, I have to trust that God knows what He’s doing, that His timing is perfect.

So, that is that, and all throughout the day on Wednesday I was thinking about little JB, his sweet face in my mind.  Around noontime, I took a shower and got dressed while Lucy was napping.  I pulled my new SO LOVED T-shirt out of the drawer, excited to wear it again. I love what this shirt represents and I feel proud every time I put it on.  

Then, around five p.m. that evening, we were winding down and getting the house ready to host our church growth group.  While the girls were eating their dinner, I was catching up on the blogosphere, and went over to Stefanie’s blog--the one who sold the SO LOVED t-shirts--to see what was new. As I read her post, tears welled in my eyes and I felt my chest drop down into my stomach. Stefanie shared that her Esther--one of the sweet girls she was about to bring home from China--had passed away. She found out late on Monday.

Ever since I read this news I’ve felt pretty overwhelmed with grief. The level of sorrow I feel has surprised me. I’ve never met Stefanie.  I’ve followed her blog for many months now and she’s been a huge source or encouragement and support as we’ve embarked on our own adoption process. Her story has given me courage in the midst of all the fears I’ve had. I’ve tracked her incredible story of her most recent fight to bring two more girls home from China, Poppy and Esther.  Esther was in need a heart surgery as soon as possible, and Stefanie was trying to get her home as quickly as she could so Esther could get the care she needed.  Stefanie has already raised about $30,000 for these girls by selling the t-shirts.  And now she just found out that she won’t be able to bring Esther home.

It’s hard to make comparisons when you are walking the road of adoption because there is nothing quite like it. But as I think about this loss, I recall the deep pain of miscarriage, perhaps because that’s the most tangible personal experience I have to relate it to. You hope for a child and dream about what it will be like to be their mother--to hold them and care for them and know them--and then that life is lost and those dreams shatter and the grief is overwhelming and you ask why, why?

I’ve been thinking about Stefanie a lot over the past couple days, and even though I’ve never met her, I’m realizing how close-nit the adoption community feels, even if our interaction is limited to the internet.  Not knowing anyone in my immediate community who has adopted internationally, I cling to those I meet all across the country via the world wide web, who have walked this path before me.  I cling to their stories and experience; I look to them for support and understanding because a lot of this process can feel isolating. Seeing how Stefanie has loved and advocated for so many who don’t have a voice has impacted me and I feel for her loss profoundly.

I deliberated over whether to post all of this or not because I don’t want to be insensitive to this loss and I can tend to feel pretty powerless when I think about all of this, but I decided to do it, hoping that others could join with me in praying for Stefanie and her entire family in the wake of this news, and also praying for sweet JB, that he would find a family. 

I’ve been reading quite a bit about China over the past several months, and there are so, so many children that have treatable medical conditions but who fight for their lives daily because they don’t have access/funding for the care that they need. There are people out there advocating for these children, trying to raise money for their surgeries or helping to find them families, but sometimes it isn’t fast enough.

I read a book a few months ago called Silent Tears.  It’s a memoir by a Kay Bratt, an American woman who lived in China for five years and volunteered in a local orphanage.  She writes, 

“Today we had a meeting of the orphanage volunteers, and I learned one of our cleft palate babies died over the weekend.  I was there only yesterday and found her bed empty, but I thought she’d been taken to the hospital.  We have already raised money for her surgery, but now it’s too late. I was not surprised; last week while I fed her, she was having a terrible time. It was taking too long, and finally one of the staff took the bottle away...She died simply because of her inability to take in nutrition.  Unfortunately, as usual, the workers don’t have the time necessary to feed a severely handicapped child; instead, they focus on those who are healthier and quick to eat.”

So, I guess I also write this post in hopes to raise some awareness.  There are many children who need a heart surgery or a surgery to repair their cleft palate so they can eat properly.  Some need frequent treatments for severe asthma or antibiotics for pneumonia. Many of these children don’t make it in orphanages. 

There is an incredible ministry called Love Without Boundaries--a ministry that helps children like this.  This ministry sponsors children who need medical care and they run some fantastic foster homes where these children like JB can get the care that they need. If you feel at all burdened or moved by this, please look at their website.  You could make a huge impact in a child’s life. Whatever you have to give could make a difference. It could give these kids a chance at life.  

Thank you for reading this. I know there are limitless needs in this world and people feel called to address different needs in different ways. But if you feel led or burdened at all to help these kids, to sponsor a child or even adopt a child, well...that would be really awesome. It could make all the difference in the life of one child.  

If you have any more questions or would like more info about JB or how to help, feel free to contact me.

“To the world you might be one person, but to one person you might be the world.”