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Sunday, November 21, 2010

Timing is Everything...?

What do you do when you know you are going to do something, but don't know when you should do it?

This is what Chris and I are wondering right now.

Last week I continued my feverish pursuit of adoption information. I've talked with several agencies now and Chris and I seem to have narrowed things down to two countries: China and Ethiopia.

There are so many factors to consider that we had never considered before, things like birth order and age differences and referral times. One of the primary obstacles at this point is Lucy's age--something we never considered being an issue until now. Many agencies have restrictions in place that any child you adopt should not disrupt the natural birth order of the children you already have, and that the adopted child must be at least 10 months younger than your youngest child (which makes perfect sense and is beneficial to all children involved). Some agencies have said this could present an issue, as Lucy is still quite young.

However, if we wait to start the process until Lu is a bit older, then the entire process could be disrupted and set back by our move, which is leading us to consider waiting to start this whole thing until Chris is officially done with the AF and we have settled down on the east coast. Everything about waiting seems to make sense--it seems to benefit everyone involved. Life would be more stable and our girls would be older. We would have the move behind us and not have to worry about all the logistics that go along with that in the midst of this adoption process.

It seems like a no-brainer.

So what is the issue?

The issue is this burden we feel, a burden that won't seem to ease up. It seems that most of the significant, life-altering things that Chris and I have done in our lives have defied logic, and this might be another one of those things.

Adoption is no longer an issue of "if" but of "when," and the "when" still seems to be a bit unclear to us. We are praying a lot and trying to listen. The more I try to figure out the timing of all of this the more I feel like my head will explode...which is probably a good indicator that I should stop trying, eh? There are still more questions to be asked and more people to talk to. This is where we are at right now. We would really appreciate everyone else's prayers in this place now as well.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Snapshot



"Anything we say is only a snapshot of a passing moment."
--Frank Schaeffer

I am often stopped in public by older folks. They gaze adoringly at me and my little girls. They ooze with nostalgia and say things like "enjoy them...they grow up so fast."

Encounters like this tend to annoy me. I had to restrain my tongue when I heard remarks like this last summer while Chris was gone, when hours felt like weeks and days felt like years. I would beg for time to pass faster. I would long for days 20 years from now when we would be empty nesters.

But now that Chris is home and I'm not so frazzled and sleep deprived, I'm seeing things a bit more clearly, and I can begin to accept that maybe the older folks have more perspective than I do. Maybe they know what they are talking about because they have lived it, and maybe I should listen to them regardless of how annoying I think their uninvited advice may be.

There have been moments lately that I have looked at Tess and suddenly realized that she isn't a baby anymore. I am stunned to find that there is a growing girl before me. I catch her face at certain moments during the day and get a glimpse of what she might look like years down the road. The reality that she is one day going to be a woman leaves me dumbfounded and terrified. It is still hard for me to imagine that these girls of mine won't be babies forever.

Time is fleeting. I know that despite the tantrums, incessant question asking, diaper changing, bed wetting, etc, I might long for these early days with the girls. I will look back and think about how things once where and wonder what the girls were like at this time. And so, today I wanted to capture a snapshot of this passing season of our lives. I want to create a freeze frame memory of who my girls are now.

Tess is soon approaching 4 years old. She is busy and energetic and full of life. She is flexible and easy going. Her teacher at preschool says she is "easy-breezy." She is creative and imaginative. She is feminine and whimsical.

Her favorite thing is dressing up like a princess and playing different characters. She drapes dresses over her head and pretends that it's her long, long hair. She ties hair clips around her long, long hair and pretends to be Jasmine (because Jasmine has a long ponytail.) She pretends that TT (our dog) is Raja, her pet tiger. She steals high heels out of my closet and click-clacks around the house, the louder the better. She loves all things girly--dresses, makeup, shoes, hair bands, jewelry, etc. Her bedroom looks like a massive princess bomb exploded.


Barbie Mermaid with long long hair.

Her favorite foods are yogurt, Babybel cheese, oatmeal with sugar, cinnamon, and raisins, corn on the cob, steak, chocolate, and fruit snacks. Food is a great motivator. If fruit snacks are the prize, she will do just about anything!

I love doing girly things with my girly girl. I love blowdrying her hair, painting her nails, watching Cinderella, and teaching her how to bake. I love making us English tea and sitting down at the kitchen table while we drink our tea and eat something sweet. This summer when Chris was gone I would lay down with Tess in her bed for nap time. After her story, I would stay in bed with her and we would nap together. I will savor those sweet moments forever.



Tess, looking so grown up

Tess looks a lot like me, but for the most part, she is her daddy through-and-through. She is sharp as a tack and very determined. She is cautious. She likes things a certain way. She is social. She has the stamina of an Energizer bunny. She loves being the center of attention..."hey, watch this!" are three of the most common words out of her mouth. She is affectionate, funny, sensitive, and an extrovert. She LOVES to dance!

Lucy is almost 11 months old. I can't believe my baby is just about 1 year old. Little Lu likes to march to the beat of her own drum. She is a bit of a rebel--she doesn't adhere to schedules or plans. She loves her sleep, but has never fallen into a regular or predictable nap schedule.

There is a lot of sweetness surrounding Lu. Born on Christmas Eve and in the wake of two miscarriages, she was something of a miracle. She was a smiley baby. As a newborn, she wanted to be held and cuddled more at night.

Lu's favorite things are the iPhone, the remote control, Havarti cheese, and her angel bear. She won't go to sleep without her angel bear. She grasps it with her four fingers while she sucks her thumb and tucks it up in her neck. Her angel bear smells amazing. Its fur absorbs all of Lucy's baby breath sweetness. I like to pick it up out of her crib during the day and take big whiffs of it. Chris assures me that this is a primal maternal thing. He thinks it smells like spit up.

Lulu and Angel Bear

Lu is a turbo crawler. She roams the house at record speeds. Her favorite room is Tess's room. The explosion of dolls, dresses, and trinkets keeps her engaged for hours. Lu is an independent player. She is happy to explore the world on her own. Her favorite word is "YEAH!" She says it ALL THE TIME! Her favorite new discovery is the toilet.

The opposite of Tess, Lucy is a physical carbon copy of her daddy, though she is her momma through-and-through. She is stubborn and particular (she never did take formula and turns her nose up at many types of baby food). She loves books. She is endlessly entertained by watching people. You take her out in public and she stares, unashamed. She is usually very quiet, but has been known to shriek at record decibel levels when something isn't up to par. (As far as I know, she doesn't get this particular shrieking quality from me). Lucy is sometimes hard to read. She can be moody. You won't know what she wants unless you truly know her and spend a lot of time with her. She likes to take her time. When she gets excited she kicks her legs.

Lu's favorite foods are cheese, cheese, graham crackers, sweet potatoes, and did I say cheese?


My little literary scholar

What both of these girls have in common is their deep adoration of their daddy. (It was hard for me to not feel like chopped-liver when Chris got back from Afghanistan!) They LOVE to dance with Chris to the High School Musical 3 soundtrack. They love to be thrown up high in the air. Their faces light up when Chris enters the room.


Daddy is HOME!

I love these girls more than I can say! They are the apple of my eye, they are my heartbeat. Though there are moments that are damn hard, I could never imagine life without them. Raising them is making me a better woman.



Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Need

How do you quantify need?

In a sea of need so vast and deep you might drown in it, how do you begin to navigate where your place is in serving the needy?

These are some questions that Chris and I have been chewing on over the past few days. Talking to these adoption agencies has opened a massive can of worms. It's sparked questions and discussions that are difficult. It's forcing us to look at how far we are willing and able to go in pursuing adoption.

Just last week Chris and I would have said that we are open to adopting domestically or internationally. We thought that a child who needs a home is a child who needs a home. Simple as that. But it's not that simple...at all. Now that we've done more research, we are overwhelmed by all the options out there. Things aren't clear cut. We haven't even started the process, and already we are aware of the messy reality of it.

There are domestic infant adoptions, in which you can choose a confidential, semi-open, or open relationship with the child's birthmother. In many programs, apparently the birthmother can choose her adoptive family out of a book of family profiles. She can choose also whether or not to remain in her child's life.

Then there are inter-country (international) adoptions, in which you can choose which nation you want to pursue. Each country has its own process, restrictions, laws, and requirements. There are orphans of all different ages, some healthy, some with special needs. There are "waiting children," who are usually older than 5 years old or who have special needs. The adoption process for these waiting children is infinitely faster. For a healthy Chinese infant girl the wait time is five years. Five years! For a Chinese special needs infant boy the wait time is only one year.

The choices are staggering, and deciding which route we want to go has made us look at our intentions in adopting. When confronted with so many decisions, it makes us feel uncomfortable, like we are shopping for a piece of clothing. Which color, what size, what brand do we want? Are we willing to accept our outfit with a few holes in it? Can we handle a couple of stains? But we aren't shopping for a new shirt. This is a human life we are talking about.

Chris and I aren't adopting just because we feel like we want another child. Yes, we want another child to love. But we also feel extremely burdened by the millions of children without parents and without homes in this world, and we want to help. We want to offer love and stability and family to a child who may never experience that in this lifetime. We have a deep desire to share God's love in this arena. We feel like this is an area where God has prompted us and enabled us to give.

So, given these intentions, Chris and I are at a place where we are asking hard questions, questions that sound bad coming out of our mouths.

Where are the needs greatest? Will adopting one orphan over another serve a greater need? Why are the wait times so long for a "healthy" orphan? Is the wait time so short for the waiting children because no one is coming for them? Will the healthy orphans ultimately be taken care of because more people want them? If we decide we want a healthy orphan will that mean that a special needs child will be left to waste away in an orphanage? Do we want a healthy orphan because it will be easier, because we don't want to deal with all that a special needs child might entail?

If we decide to pursue a special needs adoption, then we would need to fill out a sort of "special needs order form." What type of needs would we be willing to take on? A minor need, like a type of anemia that could be supplemented nutritionally? A surgical need, like cleft lip/palate? Or a major, lifelong medical need, like cerebral palsy? This form is two full pages long. Then, our preferences will be matched to the orphan data base and the agency will make a referral based on our preferences.

It all feels gross. Really gross. It is forcing us to look at how far we are truly willing to go. It is forcing us to look at our limitations, where we draw the line and say NO, I can't do this, I won't do this, I don't want to do this.

Sometimes making these choices feels like saying I want to help...but not that much. I wonder...is it selfishness...or perhaps wisdom? We know we also have to take into major consideration the girls we already have and their needs and how their lives will be altered by this.

We know we can't save the world. The world is full of need so deep that we can't even begin to touch it. Our efforts can make an impact--God can change lives through us. But sometimes the needs seem so great I doubt that God knows what He's doing. Sometimes it's hard to have faith that He will pick up the slack of our own limitations.

We believe God already knows the child He has for us. The problem is that we don't, and getting there feels very complicated. I've heard that adoption is messy, that the process is frustrating and complicated. I had no idea. We are feeling all of this, and we haven't even sent in our formal application yet.


Monday, November 15, 2010

Faith

Last night I tossed and turned. I felt like I was trapped on a see-saw, sliding back and forth between two extremes. On one end is complete and unreserved faith in where God is leading us. The other end is complete terror and hesitation--feeling like we would be fools to follow Him.

Early last week Chris and I contacted an adoption agency. When you think God is leading you in a certain direction but aren't exactly sure where it is, you just have to start turning knobs. So we have started turning knobs, and the plot keeps getting thicker, scarier, and incredibly exciting.

We are just at the information gathering stage of adoption right now, and each piece of new information seems to adjust the focus on the lens of where God might be leading. We are starting feel strong tugs in certain directions, directions we never would have imagined ourselves turning.

Just two weeks ago, Chris and I were clueless as to what type of adoption we would want to do, and now, after asking some questions and talking to some folks, we feel led in the direction of international adoption, perhaps of a special needs child. We feel like we want to start the process now instead of waiting another two years until we've relocated and settled into a new home and a new job.

I'm tired of sitting back and thinking about what we could do with the recourses God has given us. Perhaps God has equipped us with this education, this medical training, this money, this space, these tools for such a time as this.

And still, I'm mindful of how risky all of this is. I'm aware that the further we walk down this path, the more likely our world is going to be turned upside down forever. I'm cognizant of my tendencies to want to hoard the simplicity and comfort of our current lives. I'm in touch with how many details would need to be worked out in order for us to start and finish this adoption process before we leave California (a move during the adoption process basically requires that you start the entire thing over). I think about how walking this road would impact our girls. I wonder if I'm taking too much on.

But then, all of these doubts get dulled down into a barely audible whisper when I listen to another voice inside of me. This Voice is loud and clear. This Voice says

Follow Me. I've Got You.

Plain and simple.

This tug-of-war has got me thinking a lot about faith. Faith can only see as far as one foot in front of the other. Faith isn't about where I am going, but Who is leading. From the outside looking in, faith often makes no sense at all. But from the inside looking out, it makes all the sense in the world. Faith is all tangled and twisted up in my deepest desires…some of which I never knew I had. Faith is dangerous and the outcome is never what I might have guessed. Faith leaves me breathless, it gets me out of bed in the morning, it makes it hard to go to sleep at night. It gives me energy and makes me excited about living because, suddenly, anything is possible.

Faith renews a dull heart. It is renewing my heart.

I sat in church yesterday and the majority of the time my eyes were full of tears. It is missions week at our church and a man who lived and did ministry in China for many years came to speak. His message was simple. He spoke from Luke 9-10 and the theme of his message was "This is my Son--Listen to Him." He focused on three little words. Three little words with HUGE connotations:

LISTEN.

ASK.

GO.

As I sat there, listening to his words, singing the worship songs, taking my communion, the only word I could hear, deep down inside, loud and clear, was GO.

Yesterday afternoon I was browsing through an old journal. The thing that I found was not what I was looking for. I was merely trying to find my Amazon.com password that I'd scribbled down a couple years ago. What I found though, was an old entry of a journal that I used to keep with my mentor--a journal that we traded back and forth, sharing our stories and writing thoughts about God. Her bright orange marker stood out amongst my black scribbles. Her questions pierced me. They pierced me over three years ago and they pierce me again...

What is it about trusting God that provokes you?

Where has God failed you?

How long have you been taking care of yourself?

My response to these questions now is perhaps different than it was many years ago. I have tried to take care of myself for a long time and it's only left me tired, resentful, and hard. At the risk of sounding like a big fat Christian cliche, I feel am at a place where I am ready to trust God. I know it won't be easy, I know it will probably be painfully hard. I know there will be doubt in the process. But the thing is, I can't think of a time that He's failed me. There have been times that I've thought that He's failed me, but as time goes on I look back and see He was there. He's always been there. He had me then and He's got me now.

So, I have a feeling that things might get a little crazy in the next year, but all I can say is

Here we GO.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Seriously?

Seriously?

Another blog?

Why on earth do I need a new one?

I feel like many things are starting to shift in my life...like I need a new space to write in. I've entered into a new decade. I feel like God is doing new things in me. I'm starting a new journey.

Chris and I were talking the other night about possible titles for this new blog. We came up with some outrageously hokey options. There is enough cheese on the blogosphere though, and I didn't want to add to it. Thankfully, Chris offered up the title "Seriously" and it stuck.

Why Seriously?

Because, according to Chris, I say it all the time (spoken as a question, accompanied by a sassy tone and a roll of my eyes).

Because I tend to take life too seriously.

Because I tend to take myself way too seriously.

Because life IS serious.

Because I like to be serious and talk about serious things.

Because God is up to some serious things in my heart and I want to share it.

Because I'm seriously so tired of my old blog and want a new clean canvas to write on. No frills, no fuss. Just me, being real, sharing my story with you.