Need

How do you quantify need?

In a sea of need so vast and deep you might drown in it, how do you begin to navigate where your place is in serving the needy?

These are some questions that Chris and I have been chewing on over the past few days. Talking to these adoption agencies has opened a massive can of worms. It's sparked questions and discussions that are difficult. It's forcing us to look at how far we are willing and able to go in pursuing adoption.

Just last week Chris and I would have said that we are open to adopting domestically or internationally. We thought that a child who needs a home is a child who needs a home. Simple as that. But it's not that simple...at all. Now that we've done more research, we are overwhelmed by all the options out there. Things aren't clear cut. We haven't even started the process, and already we are aware of the messy reality of it.

There are domestic infant adoptions, in which you can choose a confidential, semi-open, or open relationship with the child's birthmother. In many programs, apparently the birthmother can choose her adoptive family out of a book of family profiles. She can choose also whether or not to remain in her child's life.

Then there are inter-country (international) adoptions, in which you can choose which nation you want to pursue. Each country has its own process, restrictions, laws, and requirements. There are orphans of all different ages, some healthy, some with special needs. There are "waiting children," who are usually older than 5 years old or who have special needs. The adoption process for these waiting children is infinitely faster. For a healthy Chinese infant girl the wait time is five years. Five years! For a Chinese special needs infant boy the wait time is only one year.

The choices are staggering, and deciding which route we want to go has made us look at our intentions in adopting. When confronted with so many decisions, it makes us feel uncomfortable, like we are shopping for a piece of clothing. Which color, what size, what brand do we want? Are we willing to accept our outfit with a few holes in it? Can we handle a couple of stains? But we aren't shopping for a new shirt. This is a human life we are talking about.

Chris and I aren't adopting just because we feel like we want another child. Yes, we want another child to love. But we also feel extremely burdened by the millions of children without parents and without homes in this world, and we want to help. We want to offer love and stability and family to a child who may never experience that in this lifetime. We have a deep desire to share God's love in this arena. We feel like this is an area where God has prompted us and enabled us to give.

So, given these intentions, Chris and I are at a place where we are asking hard questions, questions that sound bad coming out of our mouths.

Where are the needs greatest? Will adopting one orphan over another serve a greater need? Why are the wait times so long for a "healthy" orphan? Is the wait time so short for the waiting children because no one is coming for them? Will the healthy orphans ultimately be taken care of because more people want them? If we decide we want a healthy orphan will that mean that a special needs child will be left to waste away in an orphanage? Do we want a healthy orphan because it will be easier, because we don't want to deal with all that a special needs child might entail?

If we decide to pursue a special needs adoption, then we would need to fill out a sort of "special needs order form." What type of needs would we be willing to take on? A minor need, like a type of anemia that could be supplemented nutritionally? A surgical need, like cleft lip/palate? Or a major, lifelong medical need, like cerebral palsy? This form is two full pages long. Then, our preferences will be matched to the orphan data base and the agency will make a referral based on our preferences.

It all feels gross. Really gross. It is forcing us to look at how far we are truly willing to go. It is forcing us to look at our limitations, where we draw the line and say NO, I can't do this, I won't do this, I don't want to do this.

Sometimes making these choices feels like saying I want to help...but not that much. I wonder...is it selfishness...or perhaps wisdom? We know we also have to take into major consideration the girls we already have and their needs and how their lives will be altered by this.

We know we can't save the world. The world is full of need so deep that we can't even begin to touch it. Our efforts can make an impact--God can change lives through us. But sometimes the needs seem so great I doubt that God knows what He's doing. Sometimes it's hard to have faith that He will pick up the slack of our own limitations.

We believe God already knows the child He has for us. The problem is that we don't, and getting there feels very complicated. I've heard that adoption is messy, that the process is frustrating and complicated. I had no idea. We are feeling all of this, and we haven't even sent in our formal application yet.