Faith

Last night I tossed and turned. I felt like I was trapped on a see-saw, sliding back and forth between two extremes. On one end is complete and unreserved faith in where God is leading us. The other end is complete terror and hesitation--feeling like we would be fools to follow Him.

Early last week Chris and I contacted an adoption agency. When you think God is leading you in a certain direction but aren't exactly sure where it is, you just have to start turning knobs. So we have started turning knobs, and the plot keeps getting thicker, scarier, and incredibly exciting.

We are just at the information gathering stage of adoption right now, and each piece of new information seems to adjust the focus on the lens of where God might be leading. We are starting feel strong tugs in certain directions, directions we never would have imagined ourselves turning.

Just two weeks ago, Chris and I were clueless as to what type of adoption we would want to do, and now, after asking some questions and talking to some folks, we feel led in the direction of international adoption, perhaps of a special needs child. We feel like we want to start the process now instead of waiting another two years until we've relocated and settled into a new home and a new job.

I'm tired of sitting back and thinking about what we could do with the recourses God has given us. Perhaps God has equipped us with this education, this medical training, this money, this space, these tools for such a time as this.

And still, I'm mindful of how risky all of this is. I'm aware that the further we walk down this path, the more likely our world is going to be turned upside down forever. I'm cognizant of my tendencies to want to hoard the simplicity and comfort of our current lives. I'm in touch with how many details would need to be worked out in order for us to start and finish this adoption process before we leave California (a move during the adoption process basically requires that you start the entire thing over). I think about how walking this road would impact our girls. I wonder if I'm taking too much on.

But then, all of these doubts get dulled down into a barely audible whisper when I listen to another voice inside of me. This Voice is loud and clear. This Voice says

Follow Me. I've Got You.

Plain and simple.

This tug-of-war has got me thinking a lot about faith. Faith can only see as far as one foot in front of the other. Faith isn't about where I am going, but Who is leading. From the outside looking in, faith often makes no sense at all. But from the inside looking out, it makes all the sense in the world. Faith is all tangled and twisted up in my deepest desires…some of which I never knew I had. Faith is dangerous and the outcome is never what I might have guessed. Faith leaves me breathless, it gets me out of bed in the morning, it makes it hard to go to sleep at night. It gives me energy and makes me excited about living because, suddenly, anything is possible.

Faith renews a dull heart. It is renewing my heart.

I sat in church yesterday and the majority of the time my eyes were full of tears. It is missions week at our church and a man who lived and did ministry in China for many years came to speak. His message was simple. He spoke from Luke 9-10 and the theme of his message was "This is my Son--Listen to Him." He focused on three little words. Three little words with HUGE connotations:

LISTEN.

ASK.

GO.

As I sat there, listening to his words, singing the worship songs, taking my communion, the only word I could hear, deep down inside, loud and clear, was GO.

Yesterday afternoon I was browsing through an old journal. The thing that I found was not what I was looking for. I was merely trying to find my Amazon.com password that I'd scribbled down a couple years ago. What I found though, was an old entry of a journal that I used to keep with my mentor--a journal that we traded back and forth, sharing our stories and writing thoughts about God. Her bright orange marker stood out amongst my black scribbles. Her questions pierced me. They pierced me over three years ago and they pierce me again...

What is it about trusting God that provokes you?

Where has God failed you?

How long have you been taking care of yourself?

My response to these questions now is perhaps different than it was many years ago. I have tried to take care of myself for a long time and it's only left me tired, resentful, and hard. At the risk of sounding like a big fat Christian cliche, I feel am at a place where I am ready to trust God. I know it won't be easy, I know it will probably be painfully hard. I know there will be doubt in the process. But the thing is, I can't think of a time that He's failed me. There have been times that I've thought that He's failed me, but as time goes on I look back and see He was there. He's always been there. He had me then and He's got me now.

So, I have a feeling that things might get a little crazy in the next year, but all I can say is

Here we GO.