carvings.

I'm sitting in the family room, my laptop on my lap, listening to my dad and my husband talk baseball.  My dad is reminiscing.  He shares memories of watching Mickey Mantel at Yankee stadium as a young boy.  Chris rattles off statistics from past World Series.  I tune in an out of their conversation, but overall, I enjoy the male-talk...the momentary departure from female angst.

The men carved pumpkins tonight.  Chris is gifted with a blade.  Of course, the blade he used this evening was much larger than the delicate one he uses on the human eye. Nonetheless, the man enjoys working with his hands, sculpting and carving. One of my favorite childhood memories is of carving pumpkins with my Dad when I was about six or seven years old. We sat around the kitchen table in our little house in Atlanta, GA and dug out the slimy innards of our plump pumpkin. There's a photograph that freezes that memory in my mind...my face holds a huge smile as my arm is submerged in the orange guts.  That was the image of Tess tonight, joining the men at the table, an eager and willing assistant. It was a "full circle" moment for me...big time.

When all the carving was done, the guys took the five jack-o-lanterns out into the darkness.  We gathered outside to watch their lights flicker and laughed over which jack represented each family member.

Chris is the one on the left.  Jolly, chipper, happy-go-lucky.  Lucy is next to Chris.  She's got that sassy toddler look on her face.  I'm the one on the far right.  A bit forlorn, disgruntled, anxious.  Tess is next to me...she says she's the one with the "rock star eyes."

And of course, the one in the middle is little Ren, sweet Ren.  Where are you, dear boy?  We lit a candle for you tonight, anxiously awaiting your light to shine in our family.  So, wherever you are, I hope you know that we are burning to meet you, even if you still are half a world away.

It was on Halloween, one year ago, that Chris and I first had "The Talk" about adoption.  There were tears and conviction...sentiments of wanting to live our lives differently...totally sold out for God and His purposes for our lives.  Here we are, a year later, paperwork logged into China, and still waiting upon God to say "when." We are living one day at a time, trying to seek Him in the present, in the moment, in this season where things seem to be at a standstill.

I read this tonight:

"I don't know what's coming next," I said to my friend.  "I don't know what my future holds."

"Don't worry," she said. "Your soul does."

This feels true.  My soul knows.  I don't know when or how, but I feel like God is giving me this time to prepare for what lies ahead, gradually carving me into a being that better reflects Him, teaching me healthier ways of living, and showing me more and more that I can't love other people abundantly until I accept His love for me. Easier said than done.  I'm anxious about the ways our family will be carved and molded by all the events that await us in the dark unknown...our little lights flickering in the blackness.

My light has felt dim lately.

Sometimes I'm still surprised by how hard life is.  Why am I still surprised by this?  Life is hard.  Why should I think anything different? We aren't home yet. We live in a fallen world.  But it continually takes me by surprise, knocks the wind out of me...keeps me going back to the Source of truth and goodness, the only real and lasting Hope there is.  But the carving process is painful...living in one world while being created for another is a difficult thing to carry around inside sometimes. Sometimes I wonder if I feel this reality too much.

Alright, that's it for tonight.  Please, someone, tell me to lighten up, to stop taking life so seriously.

Seriously.

I'm gonna go play some Scrabble with my husband...

P.S. ***  It's the following morning and I came across this verse during my time with God...I love how He leads us directly to passages that He knows will speak to us...it's crazy how much this one correlates to what I wrote last night.  I had to add it on to this post...

"He will not break the bruised reed, nor quench the dimly burning flame.  He will encourage the fainthearted, those tempted to despair.  He will see full justice given to all who have been wronged." --Isaiah 42.3

continuing education.

One thing I love about our Christian journey is that it's an endless education.  For someone such as myself, who loves learning and who would love to be a professional student for the rest of my life, this is good news.  I continue to be amazed at how much I still have to learn, and how graciously God continues to instruct me.  Here's a bit of what He's been showing me lately...

I started a study at church through a ministry called Celebrate Recovery (CR).  I've been doing it for about a month now, and I'm already amazed by how much I'm learning about myself and God.  I started this study mainly because I felt like I was at this place of desperation, struggling with a lot of anxiety, insomnia, and a compulsive desire to gain people's affirmation.  I knew I needed to connect more with God and with other believers face to face, and so this step study seemed to provide the structure that might enable me to do that.  It's modeled after the 12 steps of recovery, but centered around scripture and the gospel as well.

This past week's chapter was on the topic of SANITY.  I think it was Albert Einstein who first said that the definition of INSANITY is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result each time.

Guilty as charged.

Chris calls this behavior "backing myself into a corner," meaning that I often times will know I need to make a change in my life, but will then come up with a long list of reasons why I can't make that change, leaving myself backed into a corner with nowhere to go, lingering helplessly in the same situation.  It's the ultimate self-sabotage, and yet I've been known to do it all the time.

They say that the first step of change is admitting you have a problem, and I know that recognizing my strong tendency to do this has opened up a new reality for me...and hope for more SANITY and PEACE in my mind.

One of the questions we looked at this past week was "what things have you been doing over and over again, expecting a different result each time?"

YIKES.  I really have to write that down?

Well, a few things that I was able to name were...

1. My tendency to seek in others what only God can give me...a sense of self worth, approval, and identity.  I can tend to seek this from others, and come up empty and frustrated EVERY TIME, so why do I keep going there for life?  I can point to places in my story where I've learned this way of coping, but I'm ready for this to change.

2. I also like to deny the fact that I want more in my relationships with God and others by isolating and convincing myself that I can do life on my own.  That NEVER works out well.

3. And last, but certainly not least, I'm realizing how much of a perfectionist I am...and how perfectionism is none other than an extreme attempt to control my world but upholding an image that is impossible to maintain and incompatible with reality. It sets an unattainable expectation on myself and on others and zaps the life out of me.  And yet I continue to think that if I just try harder, strive harder, work harder, do more, know more, please enough people, be good enough, and check all the boxes, then I can control my world and control my relationships with others.  I can even control being disappointed by people.

The thing about having to write this out (we have to write down our answers for CR and can only share in group what we've written) is that once it's on paper, I can't deny it anymore.  The truth is there in front of me in black and white.  Once it's all written down and I have to hear myself read it out loud, I can suddenly see how ludicrous my coping mechanisms are, how lousy they work, how exhausted, anxious, depressed, and sleepless they make me, and how out of control I am.

I feel like God is bringing me to a place where I am staring face to face with my Great Need For HIM.  It's uncomfortable to admit that I need Him on an hourly basis, moment to moment, not just in the big things like our adoption process, but also in the very mundane daily things, like my insane thought life.  It's hard to depend on a source of life other than myself and to feel deep in my gut the reality that I can't do life without Him.  It doesn't provide a calming sense of security to a control freak like me...at least, not at first. But the cool thing is that I am learning to surrender and rest more in Him, and I'm realizing how much more at peace I am when I do this. Ironically, the more I rest in God, the more He shows me how restless I've been.

Another thing I love about the way God instructs us is the way He teaches us through convergences.  I woke up early this morning, unable to sleep, and I felt compelled to pick up a book I've been reading with a friend--Brave Hearts by Sharon Hersh.  I flipped back through some pages I'd already read, and it was like God was confirming EVERYTHING He was already showing me this past week through the questions I was answering.  This part really hit home...

"Controlling behavior is often founded on a desperation for approval--from others and from God.  We long for unconditional love, but our perfectionism keeps us from believing it when it's offered and keeps us working to obtain approval and acceptance on our own merits.  The foundation of legalism is a focus on ourselves, which results in lonely, unending striving, aloofness from others, and independence from God."

"Our imperfections also highlight our need for God, for Someone to finally come along and put an end to our constant striving.  Shattering the foundation of perfectionism allows us to feel less alone, to depend on others, and ultimately depend on God.  We make room for God as we acknowledge our imperfections.  Our imperfections as well as the shortcomings of others bring us face to face with the reality that no matter how hard we try, we are not the ones in control.  And this realization brings us closer to the God who is."

I was also talking with my friend Molly on the phone last week and we were discussing how much all women struggle with perfectionism...how much we fight against maintaining some image of how we should look, act, how our family should be, how our children should look and act, how our homes should look, what size clothes we wear, what we have or don't have, etc etc etc.  It's all so darn exhausting and keeps us from admitting our imperfections and flaws...it keeps us from letting God cover over those imperfections and frailties...and it keeps us from connecting with one another.

I just wanted to share what I feel like God has been teaching me about rest and hope IN HIM, and not in any circumstances that I can provide for myself, and how much more peace I'm starting to experience in my heart as I allow Him to take back the control of my life that's already His.  It's a daily struggle to surrender this stuff to God, but it's been really good to feel like I'm connecting with Him, and I guess I hope that my sharing this is will somehow encourage you today.  The good news is that Little Miss Perfect continues to die a slow death!

Show me Your ways, O Lord;

Teach me Your paths.

Lead me in Your truth and teach me,

For You are the God of my salvation;

On You I wait all the day.

--Psalm 25:4-6

Orphan Sunday!

This is obviously a cause I'm passionate about...

so I thought I'd try to rally some others to get on this train with me!!!

Orphan Sunday is on Sunday, November 6th...about a month away.  I'm hoping that our church can do something in support of this day so we can raise more awareness about all of the kids in the world who need love, support, and families.  

If you feel compelled to observe this day at your own church, you can go to this website:

http://orphansunday.org/

There's a wealth of info and resources to help you!  Here's one of the videos that's posted on the web site...I thought it was worth sharing...

Orphan Sunday 2011 from Christian Alliance for Orphans on Vimeo.

contemplation.

“The ordinary activities I find most compatible with contemplation are walking, baking bread, and doing laundry. ” --Kathleen Norris

I might add "driving" to Kathleen Norris's list, too.  Yesterday, while the girls were napping, I slipped out for a Peet's coffee and a little fall shopping. As I drove down I-80 towards Fairfield, I suddenly felt nostalgic for all of those alone car hours spent in quiet contemplation during the days of my "youth"...all those moments in my teens and twenties when I took for granted the blessing of driving in solitude...when I didn't understand that these contemplations would one day be consumed by Dora the Explorer DVDs, sister bickering, and a constant stream of questions from my four year old.

Yesterday was bright and clear, one of those fall days perfect for football or just camping out on the patio of a coffee shop or pub.  The trees are still mostly green here, with faint touches of red slowly slipping into the leaves. It's hard to put into words the way the "feel" of life changes during the fall, the shift in the angle of the sun, the way everything seems to pause a bit, the way sound and light seems more concentrated. You can feel the change, the slow death, the stirrings of something that is beyond our power or grasp, and yet it's almost impossible to describe.

I was listening to the new Blind Pilot album in my car yesterday, but I found myself drifting to all the other music in my iTunes library that reminds me of the fall. A little REM--Automatic For the People, some Counting Crows, Neil Young, of course, a little Pete Yorn, some old school Matchbox Twenty, Ben Folds Five, and definitely David Gray. Why does music provoke so many memories, and why do all of those memories feel denser to me during this time of year? I think a Fall Mix is in order.

My sweet, heroic hubby took the girls to church this morning while he taught Sunday school and let me stay home alone to enjoy some peace and quiet, some needed rest. I'm listening to music, the dishwasher is running, and I'm soaking in these hours to just be. I took a bubble bath, had some hot tea, and spent some time journaling.  As I wrote, I was aware of a subtle, intuitive sensation that something is stirring.  

Do you ever get that feeling about life?  

It's a lot like the autumn...you can't quite put your finger on it, but you sense that something is either growing...or dying...or dying so that something new can grow in its place. God's Spirit is always stirring. Sometimes I feel it, sometimes I don't, but lately, I have felt it strongly. I'm struck by the irony that the more I rest and trust in God, the more movement and stirring I feel...and the less hustling and striving I do. There is still motion, but a different kind of motion. It's movement that doesn't require any action on my part, but only stillness, listening, and open hands. That's the best kind because it doesn't leave me exhausted, but only more at peace, more at rest, more in touch with the real me.  

While I tend to dread certain drudgeries of domestic life, I've lately found myself enjoying them more...the laundry, cooking, cleaning. Inspired by Kathleen Norris as well as a few of my other favorite writers, I was compelled on Friday to try my hand at baking bread...real bread, with yeast and all.

The whole step wise process of the yeast rising, then kneading it down before allowing it to rise up again, is relaxing (if you have the time for it!) Baking bread requires leisure and patience, a bit of delicacy. Or, as my favorite poet, Linda Pastan says,

"bread rising in the bowl

is like breath rising in the body";

or "if you knead the dough

with perfect tenderness,

it's like gently kneading flesh

when you make love."

Baguette...pita...pane...

challah...naan: bread is 

the universal language, translatable

on the famished tongue.

I become more and more certain that the best things in life take time, patience, and delicacy to develop.  You can't rush them or push them.  They have magical qualities that are out of our control and understanding. This is how God works, how His spirit works, and how we work, too, if we stay connected to Him, the Source of it all. Creation takes time and delicacy. Becoming who He created us to be is this way too.  

I'll end with one of my favorite Psalms, which seems to express some of my contemplations lately...

"I will bless the Lord who has given me counsel;

My heart also instructs me in the night seasons.

I have set the Lord always before me;

Because He is at my right hand I shall not be moved.

Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoices;

My flesh also will rest in hope."  --Psalm 16:7-9

What have you been contemplating lately?  What ordinary activities do you find compatible with contemplation?

in comes the Fall...

My favorite things about autumn so far...

gray days...when I feel most like myself.

pumpkin scented tea lights.

Peet's cafe au laits with gingerbread syrup.

rediscovering the psalms.

pumpkin EVERYTHING.

sister love.

watching Lu camp out on the kitchen floor with her markers.

apples in season!  my favorite fruit.

the new Blind Pilot album.

literary mags

Mary Beth Chapman's memoir, which I devoured.

other things I'm loving, not pictured...

face time with friends, new and old.

phone time with old friends

drinking hot milky English tea without sweating

taking bubble baths without sweating

the shorter days

wearing scarves again

putting our thick duvet cover back on our bed

boots!

what are some of your favorite fall things?