a trip that takes us

I'm sitting in bed with my laptop. I've been up since 4am, when Tess tapped my shoulder and said she'd wet her bed. After helping her get changed and tucked back in, I couldn't get back to sleep. By 5am I surrendered and started the coffee. It's actually been a nice morning, with extra time to journal, pray, and reflect.

Chris and I have been tired. Almost four days of pure excitement and adrenaline have worn off and we've felt the crash. I think I'm still feeling it.

what GOES UP...
MUST
COME
down.

Lately my mind has been on Lucy, who just turned two on Christmas Eve. I am already aware that this huge shift in our family dynamics will likely impact her the hardest. The momma-bear in me is rearing up on hind legs, wanting to fight against all the ways she will be forced out of her comfort zone. I want to make the transition as smooth as I can for her, and in the midst of all of this, I'm realizing that I might be projecting my emotions onto her...just a little bit.

Lucy is starting at a new school this week and her first day was yesterday. It's going to be an adjustment for her and I've been stressed out about how she will adapt to her new environment. Overall, Chris and I think this is the best thing for Lucy and our family, as I'm still in grad school and now gearing up to go to China this spring. Having Tess and Lu at the same school will also provide them with some structure and routine when we bring Ren home, and I think this will be a positive thing for them in the long run, while also giving Ren and I one on-one-time to attach.

I know that easing into this transition is going to take time, but yesterday I felt overwhelmed by a sense of sadness and loss. My baby Lu is not a baby anymore. I was resistant to moving her into a big girl bed over Christmas and I find myself wanting to hold onto the baby in her as long as possible. We will start potty training soon. Her naps are becoming more sporadic. She is the last bio child Chris and I will have, and I am starting to say goodbye to this phase of the journey, which despite many challenges, has been so sweet in so many ways. Within a matter of months, Ren will be the youngest, the baby, and this will be an entirely new experience for us all.

I know parenthood is full of changes. Just when you master one phase of development, it's already time to move on to the next one, whether you're ready for it or not. As parents, it seems that we are just along for the ride, without much control over what comes next. It reminds me of a quote by John Steinbeck that's painted on the wall of the Steinbeck museum, which we visited in Salinas this past October:

I'm realizing that this journey of parenthood and adoption, and more significantly, the journey guided by Christ, is not one that we take...

It is one that takes us.

I'll close with a video that Chris made of Lucy, commemorating her first two years of life...what sweet ones they were! Happy belated birthday to my big girl, Lu! We love you so much.