It is early afternoon and sunlight pours through the kitchen windows. I open the cupboard above the coffee pot and scan the shelves for a mug. I have my favorites. Some I prefer for the morning, some for the afternoon. This is one of my top picks for afternoon coffee.
It is an old purchase from Pier One. I bought it about seven years ago, during Chris's and my first year of marriage. It has a big chip on the rim now, a scar from multiple moves and hundreds of loads through the dishwasher. It wears its imperfection. It is plain in comparison to some of the other mugs on the shelf. Still, it is sturdy, it retains heat well, and it holds the perfect amount of coffee. I hope to someday wear my imperfections as well as this humble mug does. I still try to cover mine up.
Chris came home for lunch today, which was a treat. He had grand-rounds at UC Davis this morning and stopped in on his way back to clinic. We sat at the kitchen table together and talked more about our future, Ren, all the variables that we can't control. After mulling through what-if's and a variety of different scenarios, we always come full circle, right back to where we started, back to this truth: live in the present. One day at a time. Pray. Trust.
But I am squirming. It is hard for me to know the difference between the things I can control and the things I can't. It is hard to take action on the things I can and must do to prepare for the future, while still surrendering to those things I can't do to prepare. It's The Serenity Prayer in action. It is walking a tight rope.
I don't like this, I told Chris. I need to do something that will help me stay in the present, I said. What will help you do that? he asked. Drink coffee, I replied. So here I am, drinking coffee out of my humble mug, finding some release in the writing process. Chris left to go back to work and I am here, I am now, and it is okay.
I called an adoption agency in VA this morning that does home studies. I am trying to prepare for the worst case scenario--worst case being that we won't get our LOC in time to get Ren before the move. It is my worst case scenario, though it occurred to me this morning that it might be God's plan. He knows things about this whole thing that I don't. Maybe it will be best for everyone involved if we don't bring Ren home until we are all settled into our home in VA this fall. I'm cringing inside as I write that. But maybe, just maybe, from a long-term perspective and in the overall grand scheme of things, that would be best. I guess I am willing to consider that.
As poetry-goddess Mary Oliver says:
Also I wanted to be able to love
And we all know how that one goes, don't we?
Slowly
Love is a slow and steady process. Loving Ren might mean we have to wait longer than we thought to get him. It might mean we have to wait an excruciatingly long time. We are his forever family. Forever is slow. Forever is long.
My mind keeps coming back to this today. How to live:
REJOICE ALWAYS
PRAY WITHOUT CEASING
IN EVERYTHING GIVE THANKS
--1 Thessalonians 5.18
Joy+Prayer+Gratitude=Peace
Not an easy equation to master, but this is what I'm shooting for.
What is one of your favorite moments of the day? What helps you to stay grounded in the present?
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