ultimatum

Freedom from myself will be the sweetest rest I've ever known.  --Chris Rice

I tend to give myself ultimatums. I do it in my head without even realizing I'm doing it, though lately I've become more aware of the ridiculousness.

For instance, if it's been a long time since I've been able to post a blog, I say to myself, "Well, I haven't posted in a while. I'm such an inconsistent blogger. I should just cancel my blog. Either that, or I need to commit to writing at least four times a week."

Or take Facebook, for instance. I can't tell you how many times I've said in my head, "Facebook is lame. I'm gonna cancel my account FOREVER!" While I know that breaks here and there are beneficial, I also know that FB is a part of our culture today and I don't want to be that extreme about it.

Sometimes these extremes also translate to exercise. For instance, a few weeks ago I started waking up at 5:15 to go to the gym before Chris left for work. It gave me some alone time with God before the day got crazy, and gave my mind some endorphins to run on for the rest of the day. It was a great routine, and I said to myself, "Wow, this is great, I'll get in better shape and feel more positive about life now. I'm always going to do this!"But I've already stopped waking up at o'dark thirty. After a couple weeks I realized that the early morning routine made me crash around 4pm, which made me worthless to the girls and Chris in the evening, the time they usually need me to show up most.

As I become more aware of all the rules I make for myself in my head, I realize that it's just another attempt by my inner Eve to gain control of my world--to figure life out on my own. If I can cling to things that I always or never do, then there is predictability in my life and something that I can feel proud about.

The longer I live, the more leery I am of the words ALWAYS and NEVER. The rules in my head are lame and they are a major time-suck. I really know how to wear myself out! As I start to identify and expel some of my rules, I'm kind of overwhelmed by how much extra space there is inside of me for listening, resting, and just being. My days open themselves up to new and exciting possibilities when I'm not trying to cram them into my narrow and prescribed idea of how everything must play out.

It's kind of funny how things converge. I read this today, which is so in-line with what I've been thinking about lately...

"Stop trying to work things out before their times have come. Accept the limitations of living one day at a time. When something comes to your attention, ask Me whether or not it is part of today's agenda. If it isn't, release it into My care and go on about today's duties. When you follow this practice, there will be a beautiful simplicity about your life: a time for everything, and everything in its time." --Jesus Calling.

Yep, that pretty much sums it up. Living outside of God's agenda makes me frazzled and tired. I want this type of simplicity in my life. I want this single-mindedness, this wholeness. It flies in the face of everything our culture tells us, it completely demolishes the rules and ultimatums I've made for myself. It requires that I be still and LISTEN. It requires that I trust my gut and hear what my mind and body are telling me.

What ultimatums do you give yourself? Can you relate to these internal shenanigans?