All In

I went to church this morning with just the girls. Chris slept in today because he was up yesterday morning with Tess at 4am (she was too excited to sleep in anticipation of all her gifts)! So today I took the morning shift and decided to go to church because I was dying to get out of the house and have some peace and quiet. I dropped the girls off in their Sunday-school rooms and settled into a chair by myself in the sanctuary. The church was pretty empty today, I presume because of Christmas, and I enjoyed the feel of it. I cherish that for one hour, in the midst of a room of other people, I can be alone with my thoughts and God.

Today our pastor spoke on living in the moment--not a very original topic, I suppose, but one that I'm always in need of hearing. One of the points that resonated most strongly with me today:

"Learn how to surrender your moments."

Our pastor talked about surrendering ourselves, each day, each moment, to God, seeking what He wants to do through us. He referenced Luke 1:38, when Mary has just received the news that she's going to be pregnant and give birth to the Son of God, and she says "I'm God's servant...may it be to me as you have said."

Mary has the posture of "I'm in, Lord. Whatever it means, I'm in."

I don't naturally wake up each morning with this attitude. I want to have this attitude on a daily basis, and I know there is immense joy and peace in maintaining this stance in my life, but it just doesn't come naturally. The first thing on my mind in the morning, other than coffee, is "what am I gonna do today?" rather than "What do You want to do through me today?" I need a daily reminder of it in order to practice it. It's depressing how easily I forget.

My whole family is going through a lot right now. My brother struggles with addiction, and these past few months have been pretty intense. My parents have sought out treatment of their own--a group called Al-anon, which is a 12-step program for the family members of addicts, who are typically addicted to controlling the addict in their lives. It's all FUBAR. In the end, addiction is never isolated. It affects the entire family. It's impacted my entire family. And in the end, we are all addicts, whether we realize it or not. Some of our addictions are more socially accepted than others. Recovery is a daily, life-long process.

My mom came for a visit a few weeks ago and shared a lot of what her experience has been like in Al-anon. She reads the 12 steps everyday because she needs a daily reminder to "let go and let God"--one of the many mantras of AA and Al-anon (and I suppose a cliche to some). She knows that she can't control my brother or his addiction--a reality that is both terrifying and freeing. She can only be responsible for herself, and she can only trust that God will take care of everything that is out of her control--including my brother's wellbeing.

This loosening of our grip on the things we love so much is terrifying...and also essential to our sanity.

The irony is that when we let go of the things we want to control, they sometimes have a way of working out on their own, and end up better than we could have orchestrated ourselves. My family is perhaps the healthiest its ever been on an emotional and relational level, and I think it's because we all are realizing that we can't control one another, and all we can do is look to God and do what we can to keep ourselves right with Him. This has led us to have a lot of grace for one another.

This morning in church I was thinking about Mary. She decided to "let go and let God," and as a result, God used her to give birth to His Son, who then gave His life so that we might have it. Mary was an ordinary 14 year old girl, but because she was willing to let God do anything through her, she changed the course of history forever.

I've been pondering the many paradoxes of Christ lately, particularly the one that says "to save your life you must lose it." I am mindful of how much freedom and peace there is when I allow God to do what He wants through me. Submission leads to freedom. It makes me so much more excited about living; it gives me a sense of purpose. It feels good when my day is more than a to-do list of going to the grocery store, starting a load of laundry, changing a poopy diaper, or writing an essay for school. It feels really good to believe that anything is possible, even when the days feel mundane.

Step 3 of the 12 steps is: "made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God..."

I've been a Christian for over 15 years and I'm just now realizing, or perhaps just being reminded, that my life, in fact, is not all about me.