FIVE

It's a quiet afternoon, President's Day, and I sit at my desk, yet again, with a cup of coffee, my third one of the day.  I am grateful for a down day after a FULL weekend of celebrating my Tess, who is currently passed out in her bedroom amidst an explosion of Barbie dolls, Polly Pockets, new dresses, stick-on earrings, and fake eye lashes.  We are all recovering from birthday-cake-induced sugar comas.

We had three birthday parties for her this weekend--it was a bit much if you ask me--but it just kind of evolved that way. We did the family thing on Friday night, then the party with Tess's cousins, Zoey and Sophia, on Saturday night.  The Kurz girls have birthdays on Feb 17th (Tess), Feb 18th (Zoey), and Feb 20th (Sophia)...(and Chris's and my anniversary is on the 19th, crazy!)  BAM, BAM, BAM.  It's fun. It's intense.  Lu and I had to skip out on the party on Saturday, as Lu's been battling a nasty sinus/ear infection.  

And finally, we had Tess's big birthday bash for all of her preschool friends last night. We rented out a massive bouncy castle room and cut them all loose to play for an hour before doing cake and presents. By the time Tess was blowing out her third set of candles, she was too tired to even look at the camera, let alone eat her birthday cake. (Lucy looks pretty over-it too). Ah, well, you only turn five once, right?  A half-a-decade-old is kind of a big deal.

On Friday afternoon we gave Tess her big present from Chris and I...a new bike!  Chris taught her to ride her bike without training wheels this past fall, and ever since, we have not been able to keep her off of it.  Her new bike is bigger. It's better. And of course, it's covered in princesses. But the best part is the pink plastic basket in front, where she can buckle a Barbie doll in.  This pink Ballerina Barbie has been cruising around the cul-de-sac with Tess all weekend.

Before I got in bed the other night, I snuck into Tessa's room and watched her as she slept. As I sat on the edge of the big iron bed that used to be mine, I wondered if I'm too hard on her. Sometimes she seems so much older than she really is. She is already five...and she is still only five. So big, yet so little. I look at her long body, at all the growing that body has done in five years, and I'm overwhelmed with emotion. In the darkness of her room, I am aware of my failures as a mom, the patience I lack, the moments when I've never felt anger so acutely, but I also feel my heart swell with love, wanting to be better each day, aching over the innocence she still possesses but will one day be lost. I am proud of the good things I have been able to give her, and know that I will still let her down. Parenthood is a constant conundrum of conflicting emotions.

I think the best way to end this post is with this poem. The imagery in this poem captures so well that tension we live in as parents, nurturing and teaching our children to become independent, yet being so scared to let go of them. I suppose this tension will only become more and more pronounced the older my children get. As I've watched Tess do laps around our cul-de-sac this weekend, pumping the pedals as hard as she can, the wheels revolving faster and faster, my mind keeps coming back to this one by Linda Pastan (oh, Linda, you are a poetic goddess). 

To A Daughter Leaving Home

When I taught you

at eight to ride

a bicycle, loping along

beside you

as you wobbled away

on two round wheels,

my own mouth rounding

in surprise when you pulled

ahead down the curved

path of the park,

I kept waiting

for the thud

of your crash as I 

sprinted to catch up,

while you grew 

smaller, more breakable

with distance,

pumping, pumping

for your life, screaming

with laughter,

the hair flapping

behind you like a 

handkerchief waving 

goodbye.

We love you, Tess!  HAPPY #5!!!