Expecting

So...we are expecting!

About a week and a half ago I mailed our official adoption application to our agency. We got a call this past week saying that it's been approved for the China Waiting Child Program and we got the green light to start our adoption home study.

Herein begins the paper pregnancy!

I've since found a local agency to complete our home study, which is a 2-3 month progress that will consist of A LOT of paperwork, some home visits, background checks, education, and more. I've been chipping away at our home study application, which is a formidable task. There's an autobiographical questionnaire that Chris and I each have to fill out with at least 40 questions on it. Some of the questions leave me wondering, what, exactly, they are asking. For instance,

"Describe the characteristics of the family in which you grew up."

"Describe your adolescence."

"If you could change anything about your partner, what would you change?"

"Have you ever been treated for emotional problems?"

They are all open-ended, open for interpretation, and leave me a bit confused on how detailed I really need to be here. Obviously, with 40 questions like this, I can't afford to be too detailed unless I want to write an actual autobiography. And, by the way, what on earth do they mean by "emotional problems?" Is there a human on the face of this earth who doesn't have emotional problems? I'm thinking that if I don't have emotional problems now, then I will by the end of this home study!;)

In any case, last night Chris and I were discussing this process. It's got me thinking how similar and yet how different this pregnancy is to an actual biological pregnancy.

When you carry your own child no one digs deep into your life story and your past to try and judge whether or not you are capable of raising your child. You don't have to prove yourself to anyone ahead of time. You don't choose the gender or age or nationality of your child. You don't meet your child after months or years of their life have already passed and wonder what their life was like before they were yours.

On the flip side, there are just as many similarities as there are differences between these pregnancies...

Historically, the first trimester has always been a tenuous time for me. After experiencing two miscarriages, the first trimester with Lucy was terrifying, nerve-racking, and anxiety-inducing. I was hyper-vigilant over my body, carefully tracking how I was feeling at any given second of the day. Was I sick enough? Was I tired enough? Were those cramps a bad sign or a good sign? There was no way for me to know whether or not I'd carry her to term. I had physical symptoms that could reassure me, but overall, I had no idea and no control over the outcome.

And here again, I feel a bit paranoid about the process ahead, about the interrogations to come, and about whether or not I will carry my son to term. I'm faced with the reality that only God is in control and He will carry this to fruition if it's His plan. I'm already hoping for my son, anxious to meet him, planning his room in my head, wondering what he will look like and act like. But there is still so much ahead of us and it sometimes feels scary to have so much hope.

As I lay in bed last night, I thought about how everything in me resists the reality that I don't have control. It feels like every fiber of my being thinks that I have it and wants it, but I don't have it and ultimately, I don't truly want it, even if I think I do. God has proved Himself a better author than me, but I still find myself trying to pull the pen away from Him. I'm finding out how much of a control-freak I really am.

My friend Karen and her husband Curtis adopted a boy from Ethiopia a couple years ago. I've been dialoging with her--she's been a great source of encouragement for Chris and I as we venture down this path. She said that their adoption brought them to their knees in faith, anticipation, anxiety, fear, and confidence. And that's where I feel I am, on my knees, which is good and incredibly frightening.

I feel so full of emotions I might explode! I am pregnant indeed.