Hodgepodge

A stream-of-consciousness purge of some of the thoughts coursing through my mind today...

Here in the Bay Area we are literally incapsulated by fog. For most of the day, I could not see further than fifty yards in any direction. It feels eery yet cozy. Not only can I not see very far, but fog like this makes me feel like I can't be seen by others either. It feels a bit isolating, like I'm cut off from life.

Chris is gone on an interview right now in Virginia Beach, one of the potential places for relocation once he's done with his military stint. He'll be back tomorrow, thank God. One would think that his absence of a few days would be a piece of cake after enduring deployment, but actually, it feels awfully hard. I'm starting to think I have a touch of post-traumatic stress in this area. His absence just unleashes all the same emotions I felt while he was deployed; the wound is reopened. It's been hard to sleep at night and hard to take care of things during the day. It's hard to explain.

I'm in the thick of a severe hormone cycle right now and my diet is a reflection of that. Sorry to any dudes who happen to read my blog and don't want to hear about it. Tonight for dinner I popped open a new bottle of Napa Cellars Zinfandel and it was delicious; Chris and I are on a Zin kick these days. It was especially good paired with half a bag of barbecue Kettle Chips, a thick slice of pumpkin bread slathered with butter, and a few bites of lentils and rice thrown in for good measure. I believe that is what we call "chick food"...a decadent blend of carbs and fat (no need for protein!) with perhaps a touch of fiber, washed down with some good grape juice. This is how I roll when there isn't a man around the house to feed.

Everything feels like work right now. I realize that the syndrome mentioned in the above paragraph might be contributing to this somewhat dismal sensation, but I've also been thinking that mostly, this is just reality. When you start out any new quest or journey everything feels exciting and hopeful and promising. Then, you start to plug along and you leave the land of idealism and enter the territory of realism, where living a purposeful life is full of hard labor.

I'm in my final week of class at school and about to start another one next week (which I'm tempted to drop). It's revision week, meaning that all week I've been reworking my manuscripts based on the workshop feedback I received from my professor and classmates. Writing is hard work and when I started this degree I had no idea what I was getting myself into. As someone once said, "easy reading is hard writing." Writing is mentally and emotionally demanding, and right now, in the midst of this adoption process and the daily rigors of raising a family, I feel like I'm spread a little bit thin. Sometimes I toy with the idea of throwing the towel in on this degree and just using the blogosphere to satiate my urge to write. I'm left wondering how I entrench myself in the past (in order write), while still actively engaging in the present and working towards the future. Is there room for all of this inside of me? Some days it feels like there is; some days it feels like there isn't. Donald Miller says that people who live good stories don't have time to write about them. I've been chewing on this idea for a while now. I think this is true. I also think that we need to tell our stories. So how do we do both?

I'm a horrible multi-tasker. Through all of this, God is showing me how much more I'm capable of than I thought I was, and I'm also learning that I do need time and space to center myself everyday, otherwise I'm left feeling as though I'm spinning out of control.

good times.

A gargantuan folder of more adoption paperwork came via UPS today. This is turning out to be what most people say it is: an administrative nightmare. For those of you who know me well, you know that administration is not my strong suit. I loathe it. On the spiritual gifts test I took in high school youth group, I failed the gift of administration section. Anyhow, all of this is to say that I'm being challenged in this area and God is showing me that I'm actually better at all of this than I thought I was, as I am primarily overseeing all of the paperwork involved in this process. This is a real-life demonstration that the Holy Spirit has got to be driving this thing--I'm in charge of the paperwork and things are actually getting DONE! Last week we completed our adoption agency contracts. We had to get twenty signatures notarized--yes, twenty--at $10 a pop! It seems that everything worth doing in life has hidden costs, literally and figuratively speaking. In any case, we are official clients of our agency, AGCI. We are officially LOCKED in; no turning back. Our first meeting with our home-study social worker is set to take place next week.

I went to San Antonio a few weeks ago to visit dear friends. During my time with my awesome friend B, she asked me, "Do you feel like you have a lot of thoughts lately?" I think she asked me this because I was talking a lot during the few hours we had together and she probably sensed that I could have carried on for hours more. But, yes, to answer her question, I do have so many thoughts coursing through me all day long. I wonder if my brain is overly active lately. The mental mice are running like they are high on meth-amphetamines.

So, this is probably a good place to stop because I could seriously keep going all...night...long.

Sweet dreams everyone.