attachment 101.

I’m currently reading a book called Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray.  It’s like the “attachment bible” for adoptive parents.  Gray talks a lot about what happens in the heart of a child when they become orphaned. She writes that when a child has suffered abandonment, neglect, or abuse, they internalize these sins and come to believe that they are the problem. They become ashamed. They think they did something to cause the abuse. These effects show up differently in different children--especially those that don't yet have the words or cognitive ability to express or understand such emotions.

In the aftermath of these tragedies, many children learn to control, rather than trust.  If they can control the situation, they don’t have to trust. It’s far less risky.  And, if something bad happens again, they believe it has to do with their inability to control the situation.  Hence, the cycle continues: they become responsible all over again, they feel more shame, and become even more controlling. Gray writes,

Ultimately, to promote attachment, a great deal of control has to be taken from children.

A vital part of successful attachment between children and their adoptive parents involves regaining trust.  It requires that the child let go of control, and it involves the parent creating a safe environment where the child can be a child again. In a healthy attachment, a child must believe that they deserve to be loved and cared for--that the wrong that was done to them was not their fault.    

The truth is, none of us escape the effects of sin. We all have a moment or moments when our own trust and innocence crumbles, when it is exchanged for the lie that we are unloveable, insignificant, responsible, careless, flawed, dirty, stupid...fill in the blank. We all have shame.  We’ve all been harmed in one way or another. The assault may look different for each of us--divorce, drug abuse, depression, death, illness, car accidents, sexual abuse, physical violence, addiction, legalism, betrayal, manipulation, neglect, etc--but the effects are similar: we feel foolish for trusting others, we feel ashamed of who we are, and we learn control as an alternative method.

In a way, we all suffer from attachment disorders when it comes to our relationship with God.  

Don’t we?

We don’t always trust Him.  We doubt His goodness.  We clamor for control.  We don’t let Him take care of us.  We’re angry.  We try to be our own parent and take care of ourselves.

I find it interesting that Jesus says that if we want to follow Him, we must come to Him as little children.  Innocent.  Playful.  Trusting.  Restful.

I also find it interesting that scripture says,

God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ.  This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. --Ephesians 1:5

This week is Passion week--the final week of Christ’s life before He went to the Cross.  Over the past few days, I’ve been mindful that God gave up His Son, Jesus, in order that He might adopt us as sons and daughters.  God saw us as we were--traumatized children, running around trying to take care of ourselves, operating out of our shame and fear, assuming too much responsibility, trying to control our lives because we are so afraid of when the next assault is going to hit--and in His unfathomable love, He came to our rescue.

God has adopted us. He wants us to attach to Him. He wants to heal us. He wants to protect us, to be a safe place for us, to give us rest.  He wants us to believe His heart for us is good and faithful. He wants us to trust Him, to love Him.  He wants us to surrender control.  He wants us to be children again; He wants to be our parent.

Attaching to God seems to involve finding that innocent child inside of us--the one that was harmed and shamed--and reclaiming him or her.  It involves allowing God to take care of this child.  It means that we let Him redeem what this child lost. He's the only one who can.

And the good news is, even when we kick and scream and rage...even when we push Him away and act as if He’s going to abandon us...even when we won’t let Him take care of us and act like He’s going to harm us...He still pursues us in love.  He doesn’t back down.  We aren’t too much for Him.  His love is relentless.

Since starting this adoption process, I’ve read several places that that “adoption reflects the heart of God.”

As I dig deeper into the nitty-gritty of what might be involved in becoming an adoptive parent, I’m starting to see that this is true. As an adoptive mom, I want to erase all the neglect and abandonment that our son has most likely experienced.  I know I can’t undo it, but I want to be a place of rest for him.  I want to love him, protect him. I want to give him a chance to be a child again.

And more and more, I can hear God asking if I’ll let Him do the same for me.